fear and blame
by heartofSpoby
Summary: A is finally caught and the only goal Spencer has now, is to be happy. But how will this affect her relationship with Toby? Is it even possible for them to get their happy end?
1. Chapter 1

Spencer Hastings sat on the big white couch breathing in intimate smell of a mix of timber and coffe. This smell was one of the only things that had kept her alive the last two years when she´d been tortured by A. No matter how terrible she would feel, when she came to this place, she would suddenly feel every bone in her body calm down.

„_I do know how to make flan!"_

„_Why am I not surprised?"_

Spencer sighed and felt a tear escape her eye when she laid her head on the huge comfortable pillow next to her where she could smell his scent as if he´d be standing right next to her. During this tough two years this had always been her safe place to land. HE had been her safe place to land.

She heard a key clattering and a few seconds later Toby opened the door. He was pretty surprised when he found his girlfriend laying rolled on his couch since he thought that she was actually supposed to get ready for tonight´s graduation party.

"Hey you!" He smiled. "Wont we be late for the party?"

Spencer just shock her head and tried to force a smile on her face. She thought about thousand ways how to start this inevitable conversation but suddenly her brain felt so empty and numb. Of course Toby realised immediately that something was wrong. With this insightful look in his eyes he sat next to her and reached out for her hand, not knowing that he was only making things worse for her.

"Is everything alright with you?" He asked in concern."Did something happen."  
"No." Spencer whispered. "NOTHING happened the last few weeks. You know after they caught Bethanys murderer and A I thought, that it couldn't be simply... over. And I kept waiting for A to come back again... but it didn't happen."

Now Toby was confused he gently took Spencers head between his hands and looked in in her big chocolate brown eyes. "Spencer, this is a good thing! It means that the nightmare we´d been living in is finally over!"

"Yeah" Specner laughed. "I´m finally free … WE are free."

There was something in her voice that made him tremble but before he could say something she continued talking.

"four month ago I never would have thought that I had the chance to EVER have a normal life again, and now I do. Oxford accepted my application, I´ll be able to live a typical college life and..."

"Spencer!" Toby interrupted. "I know that and I want you to have this life that's why I already told you that a long-distance relationship is not a problem!"

"But it should be!"

"What`?" Toby felt himself getting scared, this wasn't happening...he felt the urge to just grab her face and kiss her until she would forget all the dark thoughts she was having. He tried to speak but his voice was shaky and full of desperation. "Look if that's not what you want any more, then I´ll come with you! We´ll go to London together, just like I once promised you and I..."

"Stop it!" Spencer screamed her voice colder than she intended. This was hard enough for... why did it have to be so hard... it was not fair. She wasn´t capable of looking into his eyes any more. There was to much history in it. THEIR history.

"Look" She said her eyes focused on the blank wall in front of her. "Two days ago I had an appointment with Dr. Sullivan and we talked about Rosewood, a place where everyone knows me as the girl who was in jail two times because of a murder, and as the drug addict, as the girl who´d blinded Jenna Marshall, the girl that made out with both of her sisters boyfriends, the one who was in Readly... twice and I suddenly realised that I CANT be this girl any longer and I cant start my new life with people who know this version of me!"

Now it was Toby who got angry. He stood up and shock his head. Didn't she get that that was the best ´reason for them to stay together? Because they knew everything about each other, the good and the bad stuff, because they loved each other ANYWAY.

"You cant run from the past!" His voice was quiet but haunting. "It wont work to pretend that the old you doesn´´t exist just because you.."

"This isn`t only about me. Did you forget what you´ve been through? You had to go to juvie and you were bullied in school because of US but you still had such a kind soul and you managed to forgave me... all of us! But what happened since then? You broke your arm... your leg... twice, A forced you to fake your own death and you even gave up your dream job and joined the academy for me! But this is not how your life is supposed to be and..."

Spencer suddenly stopped and tears started streaming down her face. She`d repeated this speech in her head all over again the last days but now that she finally said those words out loud it hurt so much more because she wished with all her heart that those words weren´t true. But they were. She knew it. And deep inside his heart, so did he.

"I love you Toby." She whispered her hands shaking. "And I´m thankful for every second we spent together and believe me I wont forget a SINGLE moment of it, but I don´t think that we have a good basis for a healthy relationship."

Toby opened his mouth ready to convince her to stay, wanted to tell her that if there was a world without him and her together, than he didnt´t even want to see it let alone live in it. But nothing came out. All he could do was stand there and look at her. This beautiful eyes he never got tired of looking into, her lips, he could still feel them on his mouth, as if they where meant to be there and those thin long fingers, that never failed to make his skin burn like fire.

He tried it again.

Wanted to say something

anything.

Instead his body just walked to her and hugged her. His fingers just hold her shirt plying with its material while he buried his face in her neck trying to breath in as much of her scent as he could and when their lips finally met again and their tears were mixing they both knew that this wouldn't be one of their thousand passionate kisses.

It was a goodbye kiss.

"_I love you so much"_

"_I wanted to say that first!"_


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey Guys so thank you for your reviews,**

**since this is my first fanfic I have no Idea how long I´ll continue this story... so I´ll see and then go from there.**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoy it and I´m sorry if it´s to depressing ;)!**

**1 week later **

Spencer sat on her bed, looking at the stars. She always knew that there were a lot of stars, since she was in AP astronomy but it never FELT so much, I mean you just look up at the sky and there are some stars, the quantity doesn't really matter, though. but a week ago she started to realize how many stars the freaking universe really had. Because since the day of her break up with Toby, all she did in the night was sitting on her bed, starring outside the window. She´d thought that it would be easier this time. The first time they broke up he´d basically thought that she cheated on him leaving her with a stone of guilt in her stomach and the next time she´d actually made her believe that he was just using her to seek revenge. But this time it was different. They broke up in peace, there was no A drama or anything it was actually a really adult decision. They both HAD to move on, HAD to let go. Wasn't this supposed to be easier? It wasn't supposed to hurt this much! The days were already almost unbearable but at least she had always her friends around her and could distract herself with internships and preparations for college. But the most terrible time was in the evening when she was alone in her dark room full of memories. She didn't dare to look at any direction because all she would see then was this rocking chair, made by HIS hand or the scrabble game board, THEY played with so many times. She thought about throwing all of it in the garbage, but somehow she never did. So she just kept sitting on her bed, counting the stars.

**2 weeks later**

"Okay, Toby I always knew you were athletic, but don't you think you´re pushing a little bit to hard? You are either in your loft or in the gym!" Emily sat on the couch of her best friend who just came back from his 8hour training day. Toby just shrug his shoulders and focused on throwing a mix of carrots, broccoli, cucumbers and paprika in the mixer. Emily frowned when she saw the different ingredients producing a shade of the most disgusting brown she´d ever seen. This situation was just so incorrect. "Seriously Toby, I get it, okay? You are heartbroken and you don't have any idea what to do with your life." She continued. "But you HAVE to do something. Anything." He didn't answer. The first days after the break up all he would do was keep staying in his bed mentally reliving every moment he ever shared with HER

"_Then why´d you come here?"_

"_Because I missed you. Shutting you out is killing me"_

He thought that it might feel him better but eventually the beautiful memories were the ones hurting the most as if every moment was a knife of agony piercing his heart. And when he´d let his window open in the night and he would feel the warm summer wind running through his room he´d keep pretending that it were HER warm hands lingering on his chest. Then he discovered the only thing that really helped him; sport. Whenever he was in the gym he could focus on nothing but the exercises he was doing and he realized that the more he concentrated on his body the less important became his thoughts and feelings. But still, he stored his truck and the motorbike in the garage, he terminated his Job as a cop and he could barely walk through Rosewood because even the freaking park reminded him on HER. So, no, there was nothing else he could do with his life right now.

**3 weeks later**

"You sure you are alright?" Aria asked. She and Aria were sitting on the grassland near the lake. It was hot and the sun just kept shining for weeks. "Sure!" Spencer replied trying to sound as convincing as possible. Although... actually felt alright. She was getting better, day by day, and now being with her best friend at one of the hottest days at the welcoming lake almost made her feel perfect. She laid back on her towel and closed her eyes, feeling the warm sun embracing every inch of her cold body. A was gone and she and her friends had made it out alive and were now capable of having an ordinary life. This was something she should definitely enjoy! And in a few weeks she´d be moving to London, and...

"_next time you go to London you´re taking me with you and we´re never coming back."_

"Well, hello Ladies." She suddenly heard a voice next to her. She and Aria both jumped up just

to find two actually pretty handsome guys standing in front of them. The taller one with the big green eyes and two adorable dimples at his cheek kept smiling at Spencer while the other one with the almost red hair clearly checked Aria out. "We had our eyes on you guys for a while now and we were just wondering if you´d like to come drink a coke with or something." "I´m sorry" Aria smiled. "But I´m not available! My friend here, though..." "Isn't available either. Would you excuse us now?" Spencer asked rather unfriendly, got up and headed for the lake, leaving the two guys totally perplex. She had no idea why she just did this. Every morning she´d made these plans about moving on and she´d almost thought that she was doing a pretty good job and now she ´d simply ditched this handsome guy "What the hell was that?" Aria asked, totally out of breath when she finally caught her friend again. "They were hot and totally into you!" "Its just.. I´m..." Spencer spluttered, looking for an excuse. "It´s just, that I haven´t seen you all summer and since I´ll be moving to the UK soon I just wanted us two to have this day together." she claimed. It wasn't the truth but not a complete lie either. "Well than." Aria smiled visibly touched. "Let´s see who´s faster at the buoy!" With those words she jumped in the ice cold water. Spencer following her.

**4 weeks later**

Toby overslept so he left the Brew later than usually. He was just about to go downstairs when he suddenly heard a familiar voice. A voice he would always recognize again. A voice that made every single part of his body freeze. His first intuition was to just head for this voice and its owner.

How often had he dream t about this voice the last few weeks? How DESPERATE has he been? And now he finally heard it again. But what he´d never thought was, that hearing her voice again would cause so much pain. He closed eyes and clutched the handrail next to him feeling like he could pass out every second. "... So my mum actually bought me six umbrellas for London! SIX UMBRELLAS!" "Not true!" Aria, Emily and Hanna started laughing, their voices were sounding weak and powerless compared to the first ones. Suddenly Tobys heart dropped into his guts. This wasn't fair! Spencer sat down their having fun with her friends and making plans for oxford while he was hiding in his loft. She was moving on getting ready to move away from Rosewood... from him. And she was probably gonna be happy studying at this legendary university with all those British guys and their hot accents. She was about to have a LIFE, while he´d still be here staring into space. So Toby mustered all his courage, turned around and escaped the brew through the back door, walking to his once so beloved motorbike. It was time for a change!

**5 weeks later**

Toby stood outside the carpenter´s shop _Smith´s carpenter´s workshop. _It was only a half an hour from Rosewood away, so it was actually perfect since no one here would know him but he would still be able to keep his apartment over the brew. When he applied at this company a couple of days ago he never would have thought that it would go this fast. But although his new boss seemed to be a really strict person, he´d been very thrilled with Tobys application and had hired him immediately. So he got his old carpenter clothes from the attic and shaved his beard again. It felt so good to finally become a person again who had goals.

"Are you Mr. Cavenaugh?" Toby turned around and saw a young woman standing next to him. She was about 5,8 feet tall and didn't look older than 20. She had long curly hair and her big blue eyes had an almost intimidating charisma.

"Yes, that´s me" He answered. "But I´m actually supposed to wait for my new boss Mr. Smith, he..."

"I know! I´m Lola, his daughter. He has a really important appointment today, so he asked me to show you around!" She had a bright smile on her face and seemed generally like a totally hyper and cheery person. Maybe a little to cheery for Tobys taste. It was not like he didn't like cheery people he just felt uncomfortable talking with them because he had no idea how to act.

"Don´t get me wrong, but are you sure you´ll be able to help me with my questions?" he asked carefully. "Hey! Lola crossed her arms "Maybe my biceps isn't as half as big as yours, but I practically grew up here and I know each position of every damn knife in this building, so don´t mess me!"

She seemed extremely pissed and angry now. Toby was left in disbelief. Why did ha have to provoke his bosses daughter at the first day of his work? He tried to make the best of a bad job and tried to calm her down. "I´m really, really sorry Lola, I..."

"oh no don´t worry!" She said her eyes widening in shock. "I´m not upset or anything I get that you have your doubts! All cool!" "But what...?" "Oh you seemed so sad and tense so all I wanted to do, was to loosen up your mood."

So that was what everyone saw in him a tensed and sad little boy. Probably the same bay he was three years ago. Did he really not develop at all? When he was with HER he´d always felt different. Free and happy. Was this all gone again?

"Its just, I´m probably not that good at making jokes." Lola laughed now and you could see two little dimples around her nose and Toby couldn't help but smile. "Actually you were doing a pretty decent job. Its me, I´m a real fun killer sometimes."

Now it was Lolas turn to disagree. "I refuse to believe this! You just look a little bit shy. I´m sure once someone gets to know you..." She suddenly stopped and started to blush.

"What?" "Nothing, it´s just... maybe you could give me the chance to know you better. Maybe we could grab a coffee after the guidance."

"_I´m not driving back to Rosewood with low blood sugar Spencer. That's worse than no caffeine Spencer!"_

"_Wow your girlfriend sounds awesome!"_

Lola certainly noticed Tobys sudden change of mood and frowned.

"It´s just that I´m not sure if us going on a date is such a good idea." He carefully said.

"Oh it doesn't have to be a date we could just you know try to be friends." Lola added pretty nervous. Apparently this was really uncomfortable for the both of them.

"It´s nothing personal, but you should know that I´m really terrible when it comes to making friends. Lola laughed in relief. "Oh don't you worry about that. I´d say I´m yours."

Toby shock his head. "I don't see how this is humanly possible. I didn't have any friends during high school and everyone was just calling me the freak." Toby´d never talked with anyone but HER about his past before but there was something about Lola that made it really easy to tell her stuff.

"Well." She smiled. "I can top that. My would give me private lessons and I never even went school, so the only parties I would ever be invited to were the birthday parties of my nursemaid!" Toby laughed and suddenly he started to see this Lola girl in a totally different way. She was pretty, knew how to laugh and most of all, she really seemed to get what he´s been going through.

Maybe there was a chance for him to move on after all?


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay guys,**

**So I know it seems like I stopped writing this story but I just really had a rough time and yes I already thought about quitting this story but what can I say... My spoby passion simply won ;))**

**So please keep reading and reviewing this story : ) **

**Btw. I can not wait any longer when will it finally be June?**

**Xoxo, Muriel**

Spencer checked her suitcase for the fifth time, and like the times before, everything was exactly where it belonged. Still, it felt like something important was missing and she felt like she couldn't close the suitcase without the missing piece. Hanna sat a few feet away on Spencers red armchair and conveyed a hand full of onion chips into her mouth. "Look Spence, when you called this morning I assumed I was supposed to help you pack, and not sit here for hours to just watch you starring at your case." "Something is missing..." Spencer soliloquised. "I know it is...I just don't know WHAT it is." Hanna groaned and hanged her head. "God this is even worse than my Dads last birthday where he was about to give a speech and suddenly got one of his hiccup cramps." Spencer frowned and averted her gaze from the packed case for the first time. "Wait your dad gets hiccup cramps?" she asked in disbelief. Hanna sighed. "Yeah well, believe me, I was confused too!" "Okay..." Spencer turned to her room again and looked around. Everything looked brand new. There were fresh sheets on the bed, the windows were as clean as if they didn't even exist and not a single dust grain was to be found on the floor. There was just one exception; a brown lonely rocking chair standing in the middle of the room loaded with a bunch of rather masculine shirts, some photographs and a certain necklace. Those were the only things she wanted (had) to leave here on purpose. As if Hanna read her thoughts, she pointed to the chair. "So, what are you going to do with all that stuff?"

"I don't know. Throw it a away. Eventually. "

Suddenly she felt her hands starting to shake and an uncontrollable urge to just throw herself on the bed and cry overwhelmed her. She pressed her fists together and took a deep breath when she dashed away a tear. Why did this keep happening? Today was a good day! It was the last day she had to spend in this Rosewood hell. The last day before she finally was about to start the life she always wanted. The life she DESERVED. God, why´d she had to be so weak? She used to be so much stronger. Hanna, who still sat in the red chair didn't do anything. She knew Spencer Hastings since 7th grade and she knew that she was not that kind of person that wanted to be hugged or anything. So she simply waited until Spencer finally was in control of herself again. Then she said, now in a soft and sympathetic voice. "I think we both know what is missing."

"It´s just..." Spencer sighed. "What if I come back for thanksgiving and I find out, that he moved away. I mean, he always said that the only reason he stayed in Rosewood was I. So what if I´m never going to see him again?"

"Wow that was fast!" Lola looked up and grind at Toby who came from the counters of the Brew with two cups of coffee in his hands. Toby just smirked and served her with the drink and sat down next to her. It was weird that although he and Lola had been going out for over six weeks now it still felt like being with a total stranger. Okay, they haven´t really been "going out" in the way most people would describe it. They´d just sit in the park or the Brew and talk or sit in his apartment watching films for hours. Sure there were those moments when she´d let her hands touch his for a few seconds longer or make a few way to ambiguous compliments. But he would just ignore them. Not because he didn't like her or thought she was pretty, because she was, he just didn't know how to react, considering he never did this whole dating-get-to-know-each other-thing. They just... happened. The one day she was just one of Alison's posse members and the next day he fell head over heels in love with her. They wouldn't need any reasons or any odds telling them if being together would be a good idea, they just were.

_That's what made our relationship so amazing and vulnerable at the same time._

"...Fortunately I'm not afraid of storms. Are you? Toby?" Lola s voice suddenly roused Toby from slumbers. "I´m sorry, I was just..." Toby stuttered looking for an excuse. "Thinking about _her?" _Lola finished his sentence with a hurt facial expression. "No, I was just thinking what to do next weekend, in case it´ll keep raining" Toby lied, what he immediately regretted. Lola knew about his and Spencers relationship, and since Emily started dating Paige again and was AWOL most of the time, Lola was kind of his best friend. And aren't you supposed to tell your best friend the truth about your feelings? "Well" Lola smiled. "If you´re worried about the weekend, I might have good news for you, because I reserved a table in the new restaurant _France et l´Amour _in Philadelphia, for Saturday evening. You want to come with me?" She asked apparently pretty nervous. Toby tried to hide his confusion with joking. "If I were you I´d be careful, any other kind of guy could get this invitation wrong:" He said with a wink trying to diffuse the tension, but Lola stayed serious. "What do you mean with get this wrong?" "Well, the guy could assume that you want to be more than just his friend." For a moment it was totally quiet at the table before Lola dropped her bombshell "Maybe I do." For a second Toby couldn't believe what just happened all he was able to hear was the thunder and rain raging near the brew. And when she slipped closer to him and looked at him with her sea blue eyes all he could see were big brown deer eyes staring at him. "Look..." She started. "I know about your girlfriend, just like everyone else. I mean, Spencer &amp; Toby, that is basically a legend in this town. And I'm probably an idiot just because I try to keep up with this legend. But the truth is, that I really like you and I..."

"Toby?"

He heard a familiar voice and when he turned around he saw Emily standing behind him with a worried expression on her face. "Em!" He sighed in relief. He had no idea how far Lola's speech would have gotten. He tried to connect the words he just heard with his heard but it felt like there were no emotions left in his body. "What´s going on?" He asked. "Er, well..." Emily coughed slightly obviously not really sure how to tell Toby the news. "It's about Spencer." She started. Toby jumped up immediately suddenly being aware again of all the feelings he had. Dread. Panic. Hope.

"We just brought her to the airport, her flight to London left a few minutes ago." Toby lost ground, and he looked at his friend blink-eyed. "No... No! This can't be! She told me she´d leave next week. I...she... she didn't say goodbye!" Emily averted her gaze. "I'm sorry. I really am. But she left this letter for you." With a sad smile she handed him a white envelope. Toby opened it with shaky hands and read it.

Dear Toby

I just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving this evening. I know I'm being a total coward because instead of talking to you I'm writing this stupid letter. I should've looked you in those big blue eyes, should've hugged you, maybe even kissed you one last time. I've almost forgotten how it felt like to have your warm lips on mine. Isn't it terrifying how fast we tend to forget people?

But I don't want to forget you and I don't want to pretend that we never happened, because we did!

I know, I owe you, Toby. I owe you everything. Without you, god, I don't even know if I would have survived the last two years. But what you gave me was more than safety and protection. You made me feel love and passion in a way no one ever did before. You will always be a part of my life and I´ll never forget what we had. But it is time now for the both of us to move on, to start a new chapter in our life. I can't really explain why I couldn't stay, so I guess I just have to hope that you understand me anyway. You always did.

I love you, goodbye,

Spencer

Toby felt like he was losing ground and everyone and everything around him was moving in slow motion. This wasn´t happening! She wouldn´t do this to him! If this had been one of the kitschy movies Spencer used to love, she would have just turned around, driving back home and then she would have just clasped in his arms. Only when Toby heard a glass shattering next to him, he realised that he´d started to run, ignoring Emily, Lola and the rest of the unimportant crowd around him.

_I didn´t get to say goodbye!_

When he opened the door of the brew he immediately felt the cold embracing him and a shiver ran down his spine. The streets were grey and empty and not a single soul was out there. He was all alone. And suddenly he felt anger having control over him. This was not fair, this freaking life wasn´t fair! Who did she thought she was? How could she just claim that this was good for the both of them?

_To say goodbye_

Then he slowly started to understand what just happened and he began to cry without caring if this was unmanly or pathetic. He ignored the rain and just sat down on the empty road in front of him. Lola was right, there was a big storm coming and he was not ready.

_Goodbye_


End file.
